Some people run from responsibility, some from an ex and some from the law. I run from Jehovah’s Witnesses. I’m not proud of it but I do it.
When the kids were little, I learned that once a Witness got you to open the door, they took it as an invitation to occupy you for an hour. Behind me, all hell would be breaking loose and the little darlings would use their get out of jail free card to throw toys in the toilet and flush them for fun while the uninvited guests at the door asked where you thought you were going after you died. Anywhere but here. Are you afraid of dying? No, I’m afraid how much the plumber’s going to charge me to fish the toys out of the john. What does Jesus’ death mean for you? That I, too, will have everlasting life and if that means being a mother of toddlers again, I choose hell.
I taught my kids to lie. I’d see the car pull into the neighborhood, close the blinds, get the kids to hide and tell them to be as quiet as a church mouse but not the Kingdom Hall kind. The bell would ring and they would giggle and I’d shush them because we’re not home, remember? When the coast was clear, I’d give them ice cream at 10:00 in the morning as a party favor for playing along in Let’s Make A Deceiver.
Last summer, I was outside stripping a piece of furniture and from behind me came a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I never noticed them so when they asked if they could talk to me a minute, I about jumped out of my skin. After they scared me, they said they weren’t going to stay as I looked very busy. Yes I am. I appreciated the brevity and offered them water on a very hot day. They declined and thanked me and do you know what I got for my kindness? I got them to come back THREE more times because they thought I was interested in their message. Jesus.
Today I happened to look out the window and saw them in the neighborhood. Again??? How many times are you going to canvas the same block? I can tell ya, everybody on this street loves a good party and couldn’t last a day in a religion that frowns upon those. They were headed my way so you know what I did? On a quarter tank of gas that’s supposed to last until the end of the week, I jumped in the car and drove around until I was sure the coast was clear. $4.00 a gallon and I’m driving nowhere cuz I can’t look them in the eye and tell them I’m not interested. Well, I can but if you’re standing and breathing they take that as a yes.
I picked up Mallie Bee from school and took her to Starbucks. She must have wondered when the hell I decided to spring for over-priced drinks since I go on and on about how you can get a cup of coffee from the deli at the grocery store for less than a dollar. Well, honey, I changed my ways about 20 minutes ago when the Witnesses started flushing me out of my own house like a beagle in a fox hunt. Half an hour later, I’m back at home looking at the info they left at my door and contemplating how Jesus takes away all the sins of the world, especially the repeated ones.