Many years ago, my brother stopped by my mom’s house, popped the trunk of his car and pleaded with us to take a ham. Take two, he said, I’ve got to get rid of these things. He is a salesman and his company gives a Hofmeister ham to its best customers during the Christmas season. He had a serious overstock issue.
I took one, put it in a cooler and drove it back to Kansas. We stuck it in the fridge until Easter and IT WAS THE BOMB. Everybody raved about the Hofmeister. I entertain a lot of people at Easter. A free good ham is essential to my dinner being a success. And to people liking me. Really, really liking me.
Now I make it my business to get in touch with my brother in early December. Hey, how you doing? How’s Sharon? The kids? Good, good. Work? Good. Yeah, well, since you brought up work, how ’bout securing me one of those hams?
Last year in exchange for a Hofmeister, I offered him a mint condition, collectible Scottish snowman in golf attire. What could be more perfect for a guy who loves golf? He emailed me back. “Nice job trading crap from your basement. You sure know how to make a guy feel special…..like-wearing-a-helmet-short-bus-special.” Always the short bus jokes with the brother even when you’re both old enough to qualify for AARP. I told him he’s always been my my special boy and to go easy with the tinsel on his helmet this Christmas so things didn’t short out upstairs. If you know what I mean.
From there, the email got sent to my sister and all of his kids. It was a hamstorm of activity….like chimps at the zoo flinging crap at one another. There were accusations of me being cheap, regifting and of him only hearing from me during Ham Season. I was offended. I remained mature and generous (me Scotty Snowman was still on the table), but I really wanted a Hamosaurus for Christmas. No crocodile.
Sure enough, The Man In Brown shows up one day and I could hear the choir of angels singing as he walked up the drive. The shepherds watched over their flocks, the people who walked in darkness had seen a great light, and unto us a Child was born. Oh, and The Mighty Holiday Hofmeister in refrigerated packaging was sitting on my doorstep like the best damn gift ever.
Hit it angels………………