Before The Big Daddy came along and stole my heart, I was in a long, dry spell. Then, as if the universe took note, I ran into a guy I knew from grade school and he asked me out. The Queen Mum was really excited. “Good, good, good. He’s a nice Catholic boy AND his father is an attorney.” This meant they had bucks, and any secret worries she was harboring about her daughter being a lesbian could be put to rest since the Catholic boy found her date worthy.
Mr. Date picked me up and said we might go with some of his friends to see a White Sox game, but first he had to make a stop at his buddy’s house. Once there, Buddy and him left me alone in the basement of a house I’d never been in, in a destination I wasn’t certain of, to go buy some pot. An hour later they returned and we picked up a few more of his loser friends and went to a movie.
By the time the night ended and he pulled up in front of my house, I was more than ready to get out of the car after being left alone, laughing at his stupid friend’s stupid jokes, and being disappointed that this guy I thought was so cute in grade school grew up to be A Gigantic Douche.
I said good night and reached for the door handle, and that’s when he made his move…..which confirmed his douche status.
The Queen Mum wanted to hear the details the next morning, and I gave her the lowdown, save for the tongue part. She listened to it all, then shook her head and said, “It’s a good thing that dad of his is an attorney, cuz that gull damn idiot kid of his is going to need one.”