I have watched the Olympics in marathon sessions. I watch the big events at night and the not so big ones during the day. Fencing? I have no idea what it means to win or lose, but I spent an hour trying to figure it out while I folded laundry. The Big Daddy and I talk every night about how RIPPED these athletes are and oh, if only we could have a little of that. Back in the day I might have been a contender. Or not……………
Swimming/Water Polo
The Queen Mum is terrified of the water and she was determined that her girls would not follow in her footsteps. My sister and I were in beginning swim For. Six. Years. All you had to do to move up was to swim across the pool, but neither one of us could do it. I finally passed when I was thirteen. The week before, my top came off and all the six year olds that I was swimming with stared at my budding breasts. That may have been motivating.
Synchro
In high school swimming class we had to tread water for five minutes. My gym buddy and I made our way to the side and every time the teacher wasn’t looking we’d hang onto the edge. We got busted and had to do five more minutes. I used the extra time to plan my funeral and take my mind off my impending death by treading.
Basketball
My friend said that I looked like a little chicken when I ran up and down the court. The gym teacher overheard and that was the day I was named “Peeps.” Three days of gym class. Four years. Peeps.
Volleyball
I didn’t like being in front of the net where a spiked ball might hit a short girl like me in the head. I preferred to serve, but then I would get a flaming red mark on my forearm. I excused myself from that sport with a note I wrote from my mom for severe menstrual cramps.
Track & Field
The same friend that I cheated with in treading water said that when the gym teacher was working with the long jump girls you could walk around the hurdles instead of actually jumping over them. This preserved your energy for later in the day when you had study hall and could get a pass to the parking lot to go smoke a ciggy.
Heptathlon
I don’t even know what this one is, but once I unloaded the dishwasher while I was breastfeeding.
Softball
I played on a team in my 20s that was supposed to be just for fun. There is no such thing among softball players. I ended up being the catcher because I could only throw the ball as far as the pitcher’s mound. On a bounce. I didn’t get asked back the following year because “they were going in a different direction.”
Running
I only ran when my brothers were trying to kill me and if I had to do it now I would need a Depends.
Equestrian
My sister and I went horseback riding once when we were Girl Scouts. She screamed the whole time, “HELP! HELP! HELP ME!!!! PLEEEEEEZ!!! THIS HORSE WON’T STOP!!!!!!!! I found that if you stood while the horse was galloping it wasn’t so bad, and if you happened to have sharted in your Official Girl Scout underpants it was a win-win strategy.
Gymnastics
I am not, nor have never been capable of, making the top half of my body do something different than the bottom half. If you ever saw me in the way, way, way back of a Jazzercise class you would know this. Or you would be calling 9-1-1 to report a seizure.
Boxing
One time, I borrowed my brother’s car (without his permission) and ended up backing into a gas pump. When I came home and told my sister she said, “Holy shit. You’re in big trouble.” I chased her out of our bedroom with a pair of scissors and ripped the hood off her coat, but I didn’t punch her in the face because I am opposed to violence.
All these days and nights of watching these fit women has inspired me to crank up my exercise regime. Besides taking my elderly dog on a slow, slow walk in the morning, I’ve added Jillian Michael’s 30-Day Shred. I have done four days of it and believe you me………………It. Is. Hard.
And that’s without the weights.