For the duration of our many years together, Mark and I have had conversations that go something like this…
If we ever have kids.
When the baby comes home.
If we decide to get a dog.
When we go to the shelter to look at dogs.
If we replace the car.
When we pick up the new car.
If we bite the bullet and buy a house.
When we close on the house.
If something I write gets published someday.
When my book hits the market.
If this research takes off.
When the Nobel Prize gets awarded.
We’re if and wheners from way back but never more so than when it comes to money. Somewhere, someplace there is a pile of money that has our name on it if only we could find it. Now that the kids are done with college we are thinking about improvements we’d like to make on the house. We added it up one day and Mark says a mere $100K should cover it, give or take a few grand. We consider this number calmly as if it’s hidden in the bushes somewhere and when we go out in the spring and poke around we’ll uncover it and can start with the contractors and demo. We pretend spend lottery money we’ve never won because we never play. Publishers Clearing House could pay us $5000 a week. That would work but the trade-off is Family Circle coming every month and that’s a commitment that would eventually take up space in our recycling container. I dream that some day some HR department will take a good, hard look at the unjustness of my salary, call me in and cut me a check on the spot for $500,000 to make amends.
If only.
When that happens.
We were driving to the grocery store the other day when Mark was talking about a workplace issue – a state university where the carrying of guns are soon to be allowed on campus. What could possibly go wrong with that idea? This has been vehemently opposed by the faculty with good reason. Failed test? Lemme get my .45 and show Professor Not Grading On A Big Enough Curve a righteous scare. As this has been an ongoing conversation between us for months, I was only half listening when Mark relayed a story on the subject.
“So we’re sitting in a meeting when we’re going over it again.
“Un huh.”
“How many times do you have to say something’s a bad idea before anybody listens?”
“I’m thinking four years.”
“And there’s a few idiots that think it’s okay so you know what I said?”
“What did you say?”
“I said what is this place turning into? Gotham University?”
“What? You said that? Gotham University? As in Gotham City? That’s hilarious. Was this in a big meeting?”
“Kind of.”
“Was everyone laughing? That’s a perfect response.”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?’
“Well, that’s when I woke up.”
“Woke up from what?”
“My dream.”
“Your dream??? This whole conversation is about a dream?”
“Yeah. I said that in the beginning.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. I might not have been listening to that part.”
“I said it was a dream.”
“That stinks. Such a great line and it only happened in a dream.”
“You’re telling me.”
“I bet if you stayed asleep the crowd would have gone wild. Like jump to their feet wild.”
“If only I didn’t wake up.”
On the corner of If & When, the accolades, standing ovations and mountains of money are all hidden and just beyond our grasp, but hope springs eternal so by the time April gets here….