Author: Kathleen Fisher

In the past few days, 60 Minutes and Jon Krakauer have called into question Greg Mortenson and his book, Three Cups of Tea.  I read the book several years ago and heard Mr. Mortenson speak just last year.  It was quite an evening.  He was dynamic, articulate and passionate about education in Pakistan and Afghanistan and upon entering the event, envelopes were passed out should you wish to make a donation to the Central Asia Institute to further the cause.  Whether he has experienced or accomplished all that he claims in his books is now under question as is the financial management of his nonprofit.  I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that there are minor discrepancies to clear up, but when interviewed about the allegations he commented that he is not a journalist, did not take a lot of notes and places the blame on his coauthor. 

So now what? 

Somebody somewhere is teaching a kid to read and opening a door to an exciting world.  We’ll never know their name and hundreds of people aren’t likely to go out in the evening to hear their story.  That is grace and should they wobble or fall from it, nobody will even notice.

For several years, I was a volunteer at my church in the religious ed program.  Every Monday from 4:15 to 5:15, public school kids (like mine) would go to the Catholic school to learn about their faith.  For two of those years, I was a 4th grade teacher.   During Lent, each grade would be assigned a day to go to the church for confession.  Most kids are terrified of this and so we spent a lot of time practicing what to do and say until the day came for the 4th graders to confess their sins.

One by one, I watched those nervous, little kids go up on the altar, take a seat, make the sign of the cross and start talking.  When they were done, they’d come back to the pew.  One little girl came back, sat down next to me and whispered, “Mrs. Fisher that wasn’t hard at all.”  I’m happy to hear that.  “Mrs. Fisher, do you want to know why it wasn’t hard for me?”  Why, yes I do.  “Because I never do anything wrong.”

In the year those kids learned the Beattitudes, Ten Commandments and how to be good stewards of all God gave them, I was educated about self-esteem from a nine year old who sat down, looked the Company Rep for the Jesus Corp right in the eye and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned………..well, actually, I haven’t so I’m gonna go sit with my friends and not waste your time or mine.”

When our Teacher Girl moved home for a year, she watched Wheel of Fortune every night.  I quickly got hooked since there’s nothing a wordie likes more than to solve word puzzles.  Between us, we were a one-two punch and if the contestants didn’t know the answer we’d shout at the t.v. until they paid attention to us. 

A few weeks ago, I was watching it and when the guy who solved the first puzzle had to introduce himself, he was nearly overcome with emotion.  He said that he’d been watching Pat and Vanna for 20 years and his lifelong goal was to make it onto the show.  Well, whaddya know?  He did that and made some money to boot.

By the end of the show he’d made it to The Final Spin and couldn’t believe his good fortune.  Sure enough, he solved the last puzzle and left with SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS (insert dramatic voice over).  Oh, he had himself a good, ol’ cry then and all alone with my glass of wine, I dabbed my teary eyes for this man who kept spinning a wheel until he made his dream come true.

This has been an uneventful writing week for me.  Not much kicking around, not sure what to do about that and not sure if I’m even a writer soooo………when Fancy Nancy gave me this ticket the other day and said let’s go out, I did the happy dance.

This is the second time I’ve seen Anne Lamott and whether she’s talking about birthday cake or writing discipline, she’s a deep sigh of satisfaction.  I wanted to write down everything she said, but she’s such a great speaker that to do that while she’s talking would be counterproductive.  I did make note of this, however, “The amount you know any day is sufficient.”  How brilliant is that?

This book has been next to my bed for 10 years.  I’ll pick it up and start reading and it’s never failed to make me laugh and think and push me over hurdles.  When she signed it, I said something generic and dumb instead of saying, “Thank you you for writing this because every time I’ve picked it up, I got a shot of confidence and it’s as if you knew my heart better than me.”  If I said all that, though, I’d have started crying and then they’d have to call security cuz that starts getting creepy and stalkerish.

Guardian angels come in all sizes.  Mine’s a white chick with dreadlocks who knows a whole lot about substance abuse, has a wicked sense of humor and is so spiritual and honest when she writes that she makes me want to step it up a notch.

This week’s news reported a story that Mitt Romney has formed an exploratory committee to determine if he should run for president.  Previously, Newt Gingrich (I love America so damn much it causes me to keep cheating on my wives) made the same announcement.  Tim Pawlenty is traveling a lot and talking like he’s running for president, but I guess his committee hasn’t tied up the loose ends yet.

Big Daddy and I want a summer cottage.  Something small and rustic and close to a pond so he can fish and practice his speech for when he wins the Nobel Prize.  While he’s doing that, I’ll be putting the finishing touches on my book,  The Story Of A Marriage – How To Go To Hell And Back Without White Lights To Guide You that will likely win me a Pulitzer.  This plan has been in an exploratory committee for nearly thirty years and the conclusion is always the same.  No denero senor and senorita…maybe next year.  After all this time, you’d think somebody would be interested in this compelling story of ours, but no microphone or camera crew has showed up here at the plantation to get the scoop.   I guess BD and I aren’t all that newsworthy.

Pssssst, here’s a little secret…..neither are they.  Pass it on.

Day by day, spring makes its presence known and as if somebody flipped a switch, the ants wake up and start invading the house.  Kitchen counters, cabinets, the sink…they’re all coming by for a look see at the improvements we’ve made to the crib in the last year.   None, so get your hyper, little fannies out of my kitchen.  

I have trouble figuring out how to end their life.  I bought some ant traps and put them in various spots where they congregate, but no luck.  Deep in the walls of the house, there must have been a big longevity seminar this winter sponsored by the Ant Life Insurance Agents of America.  #1 tip was likely to avoid the ant traps so I sweep them into the dishwasher or wipe them up with a sponge or use the sprayer and send ’em for a ride down the sink (wheeeeeee).  If I’ve really had it with their invading behavior, I start smashing them with my hand.  The other day, I consulted Mallie Bee on how I should kill this newest batch and she was appalled.  “Mom!!!  They’re just little ants.” (This is on the down low but I think she might be on her way to becoming one of those PETA types).

When I was a little girl and staying at my grandma’s house, I saw a mouse run across the kitchen floor and Gram said to me, “Honey, fetch me the broom and show me where it went.”  I did as told and when it came out she whacked that thing but good and killed it on the first try.  She didn’t mess around or wait for my grandpa to get home to take care of rodents.

When my mom saw ant colonies outside, she’d put the kettle on and let it come to a boil as if she were going to have a nice cup of hot tea in the middle of the day.  Instead, she’d march outside and pour that boiling water right down the little hole they were crawling in and out of.  Best summer show in town.

Some girls grow up learning skills like sewing or quilting that have been taught from one generation to another.  My people pass down extermination techniques.  My daughter may be tenderhearted now, but wait until she’s got a place of her own and them varmints decide to inhabit.  In the meantime, watch and learn, baby, watch and learn.

Sale date for the Prairie Girls Market…..June 6th.

Pressure on the Prairie Girls to deliver the goods…..biggety.

I channeled Martha and spent the weekend doing some refurbishing and crafting. I was ready to crank out some signs so I penciled in the wording, painted it, let it dry, then antiqued it up.  And you know what happened when I did that last little thing?  I smeared those not quite dry letters to kingdom come then sat in the driveway and said shit about a thousand times to the hot, little mess in front of me.  Two signs that I painstakingly lettered now looked like a used butt wipe.

I repainted and started over.  This time I decided to let it dry overnite (duh) and moved on to something else.  That something else ended up getting aggressively flung into the trash.  I headed directly to the fridge to crack open a beer.

If I keep this up, I’ll never get my own show and therefore, no chance for you the viewer to watch a pissed off, cussing, drunk try to reproduce something she saw in a magazine.   Now what?  Well, I’m not gonna brag here (or maybe I am) but I have perfected throwing my crap projects into the garbage can from the free throw line and the crowd always goes craaaaaazy when I do that.  Oh yeah, I’ve got me some very marketable skills.  I’m a contenda.

This week TLC debuted a new show called, “Extreme Couponing.”  Two of the women that were profiled in the first episode were interviewed on the Today Show.  Follow along, kids, cuz my watching the interview saves us all from having to tune into this.  It can take up to six hours to make a list with matching coupons.  Dozens of papers are purchased on Sunday to get the coupons.  The whole family is responsible for clipping coupons.  They save more than 90% on their food bill. 

Here’s where the train jumped the track (as if the above weren’t goofy enough).  They call grocery stores regularly to find out their coupon policy and then work around it to beat the system.  They have over 6000 canned goods in their home.  Shelving was constructed in the basement just to hold the stockpiled food and the parents bedroom is stocked with canned fruits and vegetables.  Hey, baby, looking at all them peaches is getting me horny.  They monitor expiration dates and donate canned goods to a food pantry if they can’t use them before they expire.  6000 cans of food and the nearly expired stuff goes to the less fortunate.  Under the kids’ beds were stored rolls of toilet paper.  11,000 rolls of toilet paper.

Reality t.v. never fails to find a circus to film.  “People might think it’s odd that we go to such lengths to save money, but we wouldn’t have it any other way.”  When you have enough toilet paper to wipe the butts of a small country, that’s not odd.  That’s Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

This morning our paper had a story about poverty in our area.  A little boy was seen at his preschool headfirst in a garbage can trying to get half-eaten peaches to take home to eat later because his unemployed parents couldn’t afford any more food than what they could get from the local food pantry.  In desperate times, there are plenty of heroes trying to pull people out of some very dark places and they are all around us.  They’ll never get a reality show (maybe because it’s too real) but here’s hoping that the Barnum and Bailey family’s five minutes of fame lasts only two.

Some people run from responsibility, some from an ex and some from the law.  I run from Jehovah’s  Witnesses.  I’m not proud of it but I do it.

When the kids were little, I learned that once a Witness got you to open the door, they took it as an invitation to occupy you for an hour.  Behind me, all hell would be breaking loose and the little darlings would use their get out of jail free card to throw toys in the toilet and flush them for fun while the uninvited guests at the door asked where you thought you were going after you died.  Anywhere but here.  Are you afraid of dying?  No, I’m afraid how much the plumber’s going to charge me to fish the toys out of the john.   What does Jesus’ death mean for you?  That I, too, will have everlasting life and if that means being a mother of toddlers again, I choose hell.

I taught my kids to lie.  I’d see the car pull into the neighborhood, close the blinds, get the kids to hide and tell them to be as quiet as a church mouse but not the Kingdom Hall kind.  The bell would ring and they would giggle and I’d shush them because we’re not home, remember?   When the coast was clear, I’d give them ice cream at 10:00 in the morning as a party favor for playing along in Let’s Make A Deceiver.

Last summer, I was outside stripping a piece of furniture and from behind me came a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses.  I never noticed them so when they asked if they could talk to me a minute, I about jumped out of my skin.  After they scared me, they said they weren’t going to stay as I looked very busy.  Yes I am.  I appreciated the brevity and offered them water on a very hot day.  They declined and thanked me and do you know what I got for my kindness?  I got them to come back THREE more times because they thought I was interested in their message.  Jesus.

Today I happened to look out the window and saw them in the neighborhood.  Again???  How many times are you going to canvas the same block?  I can tell ya, everybody on this street loves a good party and couldn’t last a day in a religion that frowns upon those.  They were headed my way so you know what I did?  On a quarter tank of gas that’s supposed to last until the end of the week, I jumped in the car and drove around until I was sure the coast was clear.  $4.00 a gallon and I’m driving nowhere cuz I can’t look them in the eye and tell them I’m not interested.  Well, I can but if you’re standing and breathing they take that as a yes.

I picked up Mallie Bee from school and took her to Starbucks.  She must have wondered when the hell I decided to spring for over-priced drinks since I go on and on about how you can get a cup of coffee from the deli at the grocery store for less than a dollar.  Well, honey, I changed my ways about 20 minutes ago when the  Witnesses started flushing me out of my own house like a beagle in a fox hunt.  Half an hour later, I’m back at home looking at the info they left at my door and contemplating how Jesus takes away all the sins of the world, especially the repeated ones.