The Widow Maker

I had a job interview yesterday and it wasn’t awful.  It was a sales job for a new store opening in Kansas City that sells clothing, furniture and skin-care products.  Since I’m fond of all three of those things and can write stories in my head while I steam clothes, I filled out an online application, completely forgot about it and then got a call for an interview.

It has been awhile since I’ve gone on one of those and I told The Big Daddy that I was kind of nervous about it.  He told me to “be myself”.  Therein lies the problem.

I met with the co-managers and was mindful of my chattiness which almost always leads down the road to Flakeville.  They did not have my application in front of them so they asked for a rundown of my retail experience.  Clothing chain for petites…closed.  Parent company of said clothing chain….closed.  Lighting shop…closed.  Funky, hippie clothing store…closed.

Wow, they said, you sure have worked for a lot of places that have gone out of business.

For fear of driving a nail into this interview coffin or scaring them off, I did not share the name bestowed upon me many years ago by The Big Daddy.

The Black Widow Of Retail.

Source: google.com via Jeanne on Pinterest

The One

I have been on the hunt for the perfect MOB dress.  My criteria is something that makes me look tall, thin and not frizzy.

I thought my search was over when I spotted a beauty on the clearance rack at Macy’s marked down from $180.00 to $29.99.  And guess who had a 20% off coupon in her hands?  It didn’t fit but that didn’t stop me from becoming obsessed with it and spending all afternoon on the computer trying to hunt it down.

I decided to go to Hall’s, which is a department store exclusive to Kansas City and very expensive.  In 21 years of living here I have never set foot inside, but I thought this occasion called for an exception.  I was greeted by not one but two salespeople.  I ended up with four dresses to try on and after I was escorted to the dressing room they asked if I’d like anything to drink.  They never ask me that at the thrift store.   Dress #1 made me look short and fat which is how I look all the time.  Dress #2 wasn’t a good color.  Dress #3 was something they snuck in as an option for the rehearsal dinner.  I don’t believe I asked for that.  Dress #4 was a gold sequined frock that in a million years I’d have never picked and I LOOKED AMAZING in it.  Oh my, I think I found the one.

It was $550.00.   

As soon as I saw the price tag I got a hot flash.  Full out hot sweaty mess with an expensive sequined dress plastered to me.

I hung everything up all nice and pretty, put my head down and made no eye contact when I left the dressing room, then hot-tailed it out of there like I’d just held up the place.

Which I kind of did.

Giving It Up

We had our first burgers of the season this weekend and since it was so hot we sat on the porch to eat.  When we were done, Mallie Bee came out with a box of popsicles and passed them around.  When she got to The Big Daddy he declined as HE HAS GIVEN UP ALL SWEETS FOR LENT.  Really?  I hadn’t heard.  Only one more week left, he said.

Ummmm, what about that piece of cake you had last nite?  That was complimentary he said.  Yes, it was free, I said.  No, no, no, I mean it was a birthday.  It would have been rude to turn it down.  And the piece of cake you had the week before?  Another birthday, he said.

Oh Big Daddy, come, come……….have a seat at the table for sinners.  Why there’s plenty of company.

I got here early.

Day #4 to be exact.

A personal best.

The Green-Eyed Monster

Next door to us lives two professional women who are a couple.  We love having them as neighbors, and remarkably they aren’t attempting to break up our marriage.  They have good jobs, nice cars, great house, trips a few times a year, steak on the grill, wine from a bottle instead of a box.  Here at Green Acres, The Big Daddy and I make it up as we go and make tuition payments.

Every spring our screened-in porch is some kind of cluster or another.  We are always repairing and/or repainting and it seems to me that they sweep theirs off and next thing they’re talking over a cocktail while we’re ten days and a gallon of paint away from having any fun.

It pisses me off.

This year things were different on the other side of the fence.  They had a repairman there for FIVE days.  A new door, rescreening, repainting.  There was some kind of buck$ getting shelled out and I tsked tsked the misfortune next door.

While I was basking in the glow of superiority, Lowe’s delivered some suh-weet outdoor furniture for their soon-to-be-totally-redone porch.  I looked at my curbside/vintage/garage sale finds strategically placed so the hole in the screen where the squirrel came in and the whole in the screen where the squirrel went out weren’t so obvious and thought one thing…..

Loser.

The Mexican Diaries: Highs and Lows

Every night when we ate dinner, Mary (our cruise director) made us go around the table and say what our high and low of the day was.  We all kind of thought it was hokey in the beginning, but it became my favorite way to end the day.

This is Nonie, my friend, travel companion and lucky duck owner of a condo in Mexico.

I have known her for years as our daughters have been friends since 1st grade.  It was our first time traveling together and I think we’d be good contestants on The Amazing Race.  Except we’d lose the first day because we both have to stop and pee all the time.  When that statue guy moved when we dropped money in his bucket, I seriously nearly peed in my pants.

What I found out about myself during High/Low time was that nature was my daily high.  I loved seeing the stars at night.  The moon over the ocean was jaw dropping gorgeous.  The sound of the waves crashing on the shore lulled me to sleep .  Sitting on the patio every morning with a cup of coffee watching bat rays jumping out of the water like they were on a trampoline.  The pelicans who seem to think they’ve been invited to every party.

And spending time with this cutie patootie before she leaves for college, who takes everything in stride including falling in the pool with all her clothes on.

Riding The Rails

The Boy Child went with some friends by train to Chicago for spring break.  He toured a couple of design firms and said he just may end up living there after college.  Go for it, young man, go for it.

While they were there they had a discussion with an older, wealthy acquaintance of someone in their group about the trip.  They told him they came by way of Amtrak.  “Train?” he asked.  Why would you do that?”

The Boy Child told me this and said he never wanted to be rich because “those people tend to be douchebags when it comes to stuff like riding a train.”

Lesson delivered.  Lesson learned.  All aboard.

The Mexican Diaries: Making A Living

When I was in Mexico, I was amazed at how people go about making a living.  At the Mega store (which is like Target), the employees near the register are also selling time shares.  Asking where something is just might cost you a lot of bucks and a two week stay in a place you never heard of.

On the beach, you can buy a straw hat or a beach towel.  Just like hot dog vendors at the ballpark, these guys go up and down all day long trying to make a sale.

The stores…………….they’re waiting for you.  Pretty lady, I’ve got some jewelry for you.  Or Viagra.

But the most amazing way to make a living to me were the guys in parking lots who wheel shopping carts full of buckets of water to clean your car, and do a fine job with little to work with.

Senior Tuesday

This is my favorite thrift store.  I frequent it often and have found some amazing things there.  Vintage picnic basket $4.99.  Camel hair coat $7.99.  Mad Men inspired cocktail shaker $3.99.  Silk black dress $12.99.

If you bring a donation, you get a 20% discount.  I can always find something to get rid of.  Like the cats.  Sometimes, though it’s a little tough to come up with anything.

I have found out that at the age of 55 one qualifies for a 25% senior discount every Tuesday.  I don’t think I look 55.  I usually don’t feel 55.  The idea of saying that I’d like the senior discount is disturbing to me, but………

I’ve always been a whore for a few bucks off.

The Mexican Diaries: My Bags Are Packed I’m Ready To Go

On our last night in Mexico, Nonie and I went to an Office Max to use their computer to print our boarding passes.  First we had to have an employee unlock it so we could get on the internets.  Then, because we’re 50-something dorks, we had to figure everything out like we’d never seen one of them there computers before in our life.  FYI…….imprimir means “print” in Spanish.

Nonie tried about five times to get their boarding passes to show up on the screen with the same response each time……….We’re sorry  We moved on to ours and they printed with no problem.  Why the heck wouldn’t hers print???  The confirmation code was some letters with an “o” or could it be a zero?  We tried every combination.

After a few minutes, she looked at the print out of her email and gasped.  Then she showed me.  We looked at each other and at the same time said, “OH MY GOD!”  With maybe an ef bomb or twenty in there, too.


At that very moment she was supposed to be on a plane that was minutes from landing in Phoenix.  El problemo amigo……..she and I were cussing like a couple of sailors AT AN OFFICE MAX SOMEWHERE IN MEXICO. 

We drove like crazy back to the condo and she got on the phone with the airlines who got her and Mary on a flight leaving the day after us.  In the morning, she took us to the airport and came back here for one more day………

………..while I was headed to Phoenix and taking a long, slow swan dive into the-vacation-is-over-pool.